I was talking with a friend over the weekend about the joys of Twitter, and it got me wondering for a nanosecond how my life would be enriched if I joined the millions of you who are much more hip and savvy than I. It didn't take me long to decide that Twitter is quite possibly my worst technological nightmare. Here is a brief explanation of why.
From my limited observations and understanding of this phenomenon, truly successful, productive Twittering requires frequent updates on what you're doing throughout the day. But I really don't get online as much as one might assume I do based on the amount of blogs I own and my complete lack of any sort of life, so I'm not sure when I would update. It would have to wait until the kids were in bed, and then you'd get a hundred million Tweets from me between the hours of 9pm and midnight, all of them super insignificant. Then you would all block me for being annoying and then what would be the point?
But assuming I chose to leave my high-maintenance children to their own devices and fully devoted myself to keeping you abreast of my whereabouts and activities throughout the day, what would these updates say? "I'm microwaving my full cup of coffee for the sixth time in an hour." or "I changed another diaper. The blueberries finally made their way through." or "My kids have been in a perpetual timeout today, and I've added a bit of vodka to my orange juice." I just couldn't bear the thought of you all knowing how dull and repetitive my weekdays can be. I'd rather have everyone operate under the false pretense that my life is all glamour and glitz. I mean, isn't that what I'm getting across here? Hello? Anyone?
Additionally, and perhaps most importantly, I already have issues with people knowing exactly where I am at any given time, as in I like my privacy and I'm sort of neurotic about everyone having instant access to me whenever they want (and now you also see why motherhood is a bit of a challenge for me). After realizing that the entire human race migrated from real life to Facebook and now operates solely on that interface I begrudgingly joined. I knew I'd be missing out big time if I didn't get on board, so I slapped that barcode on my forehead and called it a day. And now, every time I write anything on my page or anyone else's EVERYONE can see it. Am I the only one who finds that to be sort of creepy and invasive? It's kind of like the Patriot Act, but with willing participants. Twitter is pretty much the same thing. No... it's exactly the same thing. I'm not going down like that. At least not without some good old fashioned peer pressure.
So... to those of you who aren't completely turned off by my absurd neuroses, and are emotionally balanced enough to actually Twitter, tell me what you like about it. What you don't like about it. If you don't Twitter, why not? And if you can recommend a therapist who can help me work through these immensely important issues I will say to you "Tweet, tweet."
(That's as close as I'll get to Twitter.)