dear diary, i know i haven't written in a long time...

My poor, poor neglected little blog! Occasionally Phil shakes his head and tsks at me, "You know you can still see Christmas stockings when you go to your blog, right? Front and center." I know, I know. But it's like when you haven't talked to an old friend in a long time. There's so much to catch up on; where do you begin?

My kids are amazing. Perhaps you've been reading some of the ridiculous stories on Facebook. We average at least one poop incident every two days. And the children, they are a-growing! I keep feeding them and they get bigger. Weird.

It is challenging to blog with all this Little Kidness going on. I commend those of you who manage to keep writing, and write well. In fact, in the time it has taken me to write the last two sentences, I have been interrupted four times. (A jelly spill! Ruby, you can't cross the street! Stop sniffing that! I'll get the Band Aids!) And by the time evening falls I have just enough energy to play a couple games of Scramble With Friends before I cash out for the night.

Aside from the daily crazy, I also had my First Real Breakdown since Phil's diagnosis. Back then I was put on a pretty tame, low-dose garden variety SSRI. It worked beautifully. I came off of it before I got pregnant with Ruby and did okay. After Phil's most recent hospitalization five months ago, I was having a very difficult time processing all the chaos and drama. I was pretty much not functional in my most basic role as a human being. My doctor and I decided it would be in my best interest and the best interest of my family for me to go back on the same medication I had been on. And I was looking forward to feeling a little better.

What happened instead was that I had an awful six hour allergic reaction, similar to a psychosis, which then propelled me into almost two months of crippling panic attacks. Like, Phil had to hold down the fort and take a sick day or two to help because I was locked in the bathroom.

Obviously I did not continue the drug.

I had some wonderful friends at church pray for me. I dropped coffee altogether (I KNOW!!) which was worse than terrible for about a week and a half. I mean, I can't even begin to tell you how addicted I was and how bad the agitation and headaches were. I started drinking green tea instead. I did some research and decided to try Inositol along with my daily multivitamin. And I'm working out. (For real! Stop laughing.) It seems to be working. All of it. Plus the sun is out, which makes a huge difference in my attitude and outlook.

So you can see that writing was not necessarily a huge priority when I could barely drive children to school or make a sandwich without going into a complete tailspin. But I'm going to try from now on, Dear Diary, I really am! Stay tuned for poop stories, house projects that drag on for months too long and probably eventually more Christmas stockings.

I have to go wipe up a spill but I'll be back soon.

Miss you all!