first year

One year ago, right now, I was giving birth to my baby. I can't believe how quickly this year has flown by. I remember all too well those first few weeks, adjusting to this new little person who burst into our lives with the gusto of crashing Ocean waves. I recall the struggles of breastfeeding, the frustrating sleep issues, the raging post-partum hormones. It was hard.

But I also remember the first time I saw that little face, all pink and wrinkled, mouth wide open and screaming mad. After 42 weeks of pregnancy and 28 hours of labor, he still wasn't ready to come out. Looking at that little person was the most surreal experience of my life. He is the best of Phil and the best of me all wrapped up in this little tiny package. I didnt sleep for two days. I just wanted to stare at my little Ocean, touch him, kiss him. He was so perfect.

I recall the first time I felt that my heart would break from the amount of love that I felt for my son. He was about a week old, and it was 3:00 in the morning. He woke up to eat and I was rocking him back to sleep, singing "You Are My Sunshine". I got to the line, "You'll never know dear, how much I love you," and I realized how true that was. My eyes filled with tears at the notion that I was completely and utterly ruined. I wasn't prepared for the depth of emotion I would feel for this person who never existed before, and who I love simply because he's alive. I still feel overwhelmed by my love for him and my instinct to protect him, no matter the cost.

Now that he's sleeping through the night (finally... hooray!), he has eight teeth, he's through the separation anxiety stage and he's become a walking fool, my life has gotten exponentially easier. Every day I love Ocean more and every stage he goes through is my favorite. But there are those moments and days (like today) when I remember that newborn baby smell, and picture his skinny little arms, and think about how tiny and dependent and helpless my little boy once was and I become wistful. I wouldn't go back, because I love watching Ocean grow and change and become more and more independent (that's the goal, right?) but I will always cherish those special moments with my firstborn. After all, he taught me how to be a mother.

I love you so much today and always, my sweet Ocean Philip. Happy Birthday little man.

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